Begin Again: A Stay Novella Read online

  “Yep. Working with farm rescues and observing the practices of slaughterhouses turned me off eating animals.”

  “I understand. The more knowledge I gain, the less I seem to eat. Except pasta. Carbs seem to be my best friend and worst enemy.”

  He grinned, his gaze raking over her figure with male admiration. “You always looked amazing. Especially tonight.”

  Her brow arched. “I’m in jeans.”

  He gave a boyish shrug. “It was always my favorite outfit on you.”

  Pleasure coursed through her. Chloe had made sure to dress informal. No need to give him false pretenses she was here for anything other than closure. But staring at him now, she remembered how much she adored the way his gaze lit up whenever he laid eyes on her, making her feel like a goddess morning, noon, and night. It wasn’t about clothes, or makeup, or being sexy for him. He’d been the first man to look past her surface and see all the junk hidden inside, stuff she’d never let anyone spot, always too embarrassed she was too needy, or weak, or boring. It had been the reason she’d dressed for attention years ago, fueling all that self-anger out into the world.

  Mia and Ethan and the Bishop farm had changed everything for her.

  And Owen. Always Owen.

  The waitress came over and they quickly put in their orders. She returned with one Hefeweizen in the grapefruit flavor she loved, and a shot of whiskey for Owen. Chloe took a hearty sip, trying to calm her racing pulse.

  God, he looked good. Like her, he was dressed in jeans but paired it with a bright blue button-down shirt. The color deepened his pale blue eyes. The material stretched across his impressive chest and clung to his broad shoulders. He’d filled out these past years, obviously adding in strength training to lose the lean skinniness he used to sport. The sexy goatee added a roughness to his features, a masculinity that made her stomach flip, then drop.

  Damn. She was still attracted to him, but in a way, time had only made it worse. She ached to reach out and touch him, feel the roughness of his skin, test the hardness of muscle, slide her lips across his to see if they were as soft as she remembered.

  “Yes.”

  Yanked back to reality, she tried hard not to blush. “Yes what?”

  His gaze suddenly burned into hers. “Yes to everything you were thinking.”

  A hot ache settled between her thighs. This man who looked at her with an edge exuded a confidence that had never been there before. As if he’d figured out who he was and no longer needed to apologize or change to suit another. She wondered if he would kiss the same way: sweet, worshipful, deep. Wondered if the same spark would ignite, or if it would be just a physical connection without the emotional.

  No. She needed to stop wondering and get some hard answers.

  “You don’t get to know what I’m thinking any longer,” she said lightly, wrangling in the loose tendrils of heat whipping around them. “You wanted the opportunity to explain things. That’s why I’m here.”

  He nodded, the intense glint in his eyes fading. “You’re right. There are certain things you have to know.”

  Silence fell between them, pulsing with an awkward undertone as she watched him try to gather his thoughts to explain the breakdown of their relationship. Chloe cleared her throat, not ready to dive in. “I’m curious how you got here. How did your internship go in California?”

  He visibly relaxed, shooting her a grateful glance. “Animal Welfare was a huge turning point. I’d only experienced some local community rescues here, so being in LA was like an eye opener. There were things happening that I’ll never be able to unsee. I started out helping with the volunteers and assisting the full-timers, but I hadn’t really found what segment I really wanted to dig into. Until I got assigned to help out the legal team on a specific abuse case. That changed everything.”

  Chloe recognized the visible emotion in his eyes, the way his fingers gripped the neck of the bottle when certain memories hit. Watching the cruelty of humans challenged the core of who she was—the frustration and rage of seeing helpless animals consistently hurt pushed her to compartmentalize the worst of it. The work was a delicate balancing act of caring enough not to be numb, but not getting lost in the rage where results could falter. Owen had worked with her at some shelters, but he’d never experienced a case from the front lines. “You never forget your first,” she murmured.

  “Exactly. I knew I didn’t want to focus on fundraising, marketing, or get stuck in endless board meetings, trying to make nice with political or community members. But when I watched how concrete laws could make a difference, and how short-handed welfare law is because it’s not the money maker, I knew I’d found my niche.”

  The waitress dropped off their burger platters with a cheerful smile, re-filled their waters, and glided away. Chloe smothered hers with ketchup and hot sauce and dug in.

  Owen laughed. “Why am I not surprised you still ruin all your food with that stuff?”

  She finished her first bite and rolled her eyes. “Hot sauce makes the world a better place. Do you still eat your stuff boring and plain? Or did your travels educate you on the finer details of dining?”

  He carefully took off his lettuce, tomato, and onion, replaced the top bun, and lifted it up. “I want to taste the burger, not the junk on it. Plain rules.”

  It was a ridiculous argument they’d always had, and she felt a silly smile tug at her lips. “I refuse to engage in such a useless discussion. Keep going. You found law.”

  “I found law. This road, unfortunately, demanded a huge commitment—both financial and education. The good news is Animal Welfare saw my potential and worked to assign me a legal apprenticeship in lieu of law school with their partners, The Animal Defense Fund. My grandfather had left me a trust that helped pay my way so I could concentrate on my studies full-time. He still believed in me, even though I’d never shown him any proof.”

  His eyes glinted with grief, and she fought the urge to take his hand in hers. “I’m not surprised he believed in you, Owen. You made mistakes, and you were supposed to—you were only a freshman in college. He was a judge and focused his life on second chances. I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

  He blew out a breath. “You’re right. Hard to break the habit of blaming yourself sometimes. It’s so damn easy.”

  She smiled, thinking of her own regrets regarding her choices. “Truth.”

  “Anyway, I studied and worked my ass off and passed the bar exam. Began taking on my own cases, but I soon realized my heart had never truly been in California. It was a place I needed to go to grow up and find my career. But I always knew I wanted to come home.”

  Her skin prickled with goose bumps. He said the words with a purpose and intention that clearly implied she was part of his goal. The question burst out of her mouth, demanding he verbalize what burned in his gaze. “Why? What was here for you, Owen?”

  He uttered the word with a stark simplicity. “You.”

  Chloe dropped the rest of her burger on the plate, quickly wiping her fingers. “You don’t get to come home to what you already rejected.” Bitterness coated her tongue. “You don’t get to rewrite the past because you suddenly romanticized what we were.”

  “You’re right. But even when I left, I knew you had already claimed my heart. I knew I’d only be able to give other women pieces of it because I planned to come back to you as a changed man. A man who could stand as your full partner, not chase you around like a lost puppy, eventually being outgrown because I didn’t know who I really was.”

  Her gaze narrowed. “I never looked at you like that. You did. And you did it so you’d have a good excuse to leave like a martyr, spouting a bunch of bullshit to yourself that it was for the future of us. Well, let me give it to you straight.” She jabbed her finger in the air. “You destroyed us when I begged you to stay, and you left without a word. Like I was some sort of sacrifice you had to butcher for the greater good. God, I felt so stupid afterward. I gave you all I had, but
it wasn’t enough.”

  “You were always enough for me. I just wasn’t enough for myself.” He lifted his hands in the air with a tinge of desperation. “I didn’t know how else to let go. Chloe, I was nineteen when I fell in love with you. When I graduated, I knew you’d changed me, but I had no idea how to become my own man. I felt as if I was continuously chasing after you in order to be enough, and eventually, you’d hate what I’d become. Even your father saw it clearly, as I bumbled around trying to decide how I could best support you, be with you, love you. But I had nothing for myself. I was nothing without you, and the realization scared the shit out of me.”

  She thought back to those idyllic times when she’d believed everything was perfect. Within their relationship, she’d found not only bliss, but a deep satisfaction that confirmed Owen was the one. She hadn’t been prepared to meet him so young, but she’d remembered her mother’s late-night whispers about her father, and how once they met, her heart had always belonged to him. Like Fate. Destiny. Soul mates rediscovering each other. Chloe had been willing to embrace and accept the magic, she’d always assumed Owen felt the same.

  Looking back, had he ever felt as confident about their future? Had he felt trapped? Yes, he was two years younger. Yes, he’d been less settled than an older man who knew his career and path. To her, it was exciting to launch the discovery together—she’d never meant to overshadow.

  Obviously, she’d been wrong about everything.

  “I can’t believe I’m processing the excuse, ‘It was never you, it was me,’” she said.

  He winced. “It’s the truth. I was searching for an answer. When my grandfather’s friend Jim reached out and asked if I’d be interested in coming to LA to intern with Animal Welfare, it seemed like the answer I’d been searching for. He was on the Board, so he could get me the position.”

  “I remember when you told me,” she murmured. The memory of that awful night, when he explained he wanted to leave permanently for California, was etched in her vision. “I wanted to try and make it work long distance. You never gave us a chance.”

  “Because I needed to be on my own to figure out who I really was.” His jaw clenched, and within his eyes, she glimpsed a flash of shame. “I needed to leave you in order to find myself.”

  The brutal words attacked her like stinging knives. “Yet you never thought to share this with me? You figured the best way to accomplish your task was to break up with me, give me no real explanations, and make me think it was something I lacked the entire time?”

  “I was stupid. Scared. I was ashamed I couldn’t be the man you thought I was, so it was easier to hide my reasons and escape. If only you knew how much I missed you. Four long years and I never stopped thinking of you. I always planned to come back.”

  She choked out a laugh. “Right. And what if I’d decided to marry someone else during that time stretch while you were finding yourself? Did you actually believe I was putting my life on hold for you, Owen?”

  He shook his head. “It was a huge risk. I kept tabs on you constantly. Social media, the press, the Bishops, and some friends I’d kept in contact with. But I can’t say I wouldn’t have dropped it all and come back if there was someone you were serious about.”

  It was too much. She’d tried to make peace with the fallout, and now he was back, blowing it all back up. A part of her heard and understood his words. As horrible as his actions were, if he’d truly believed he was trying to find himself in order to come back to her, maybe there was a chance of forgiveness.

  But she knew for a fact he was a liar.

  Chloe stayed silent as the waitress cleared their plates and brought them two coffees. “And now you’ve decided it’s time to stake your claim on me?”

  He jerked back slightly, but his voice remained calm. “No. I decided I couldn’t stand being away from you any longer. I kept watch on all the cases in New York, and when Advocates for Animals put out a call for legal help, I immediately requested to transfer. I always intended to come home, but this seemed like a sign.”

  “So after this case, no matter what happens, you’re staying?”

  “Yes. I’ll be working in the central Animal Defense Fund office, helping organizations with their legal battles. I’m done running.”

  His declaration shot chills through her body. She sipped her coffee, seeking a different type of warmth. “I see. And you still attest you broke up with me because you wanted to become your own person? It had nothing to do with other women? Craving to play the field before you settle down? Be honest with me.”

  “No, Chloe. There was no one but you. I haven’t been with another woman. That’s the truth.”

  The breath was knocked out of her lungs from his statement. Wild hope surged, but she slammed it back down, refusing to be taken in again by declarations that were untrue.

  “I saw you with that girl,” she finally said, meeting his gaze head on. “On your Facebook page. She was half naked and all over you. So please don’t lie and pretend there was no one else. I saw the post two weeks after you left, and you certainly weren’t grieving. In fact, you’d refused to answer any of my desperate texts. Clearly, you’d moved on, and it wasn’t just about a job.”

  Regret carved out the features of his face. The buried pain rose up again, but she choked it back. She refused to let him spin the past in a way that made him look misunderstood. Chloe sat in the chair, took another sip of coffee, and regarded him with a calm that belied her racing heart.

  “There was no girl, Chloe,” he said. “I put her up there on purpose because I knew you’d see it.”

  She jerked back, her fingers trembling around the mug. “You really are a bastard.”

  “You don’t understand. You never did. I loved you too much. It took all the strength I had to leave you, and once I was in California, stuck in the life I thought would be the best, I was miserable. I got all of your texts, and I responded a million times, deleting each one. I knew if we spoke at all, I’d scrap it all and return to New York. To you. So I did the only thing to guarantee you wouldn’t reach out to me again. I went to a party, had a few drinks, and took that selfie with a girl.”

  A humorless laugh ripped from his lips. “I didn’t even know her name. But the moment I posted it, I knew I’d shut the door for good. I got home from that party and stayed in bed for two days straight, not able to leave the house. And then I got my ass up and got to work, because damned if I was going to lose you without making it worth it.”

  Her brain sifted through his words to find the real meaning, but it was like sludge through a filter. “Why, Owen? Why would you hurt me on purpose? Don’t you know I would have supported anything you wanted to do? God, you make it sound like I wanted you as my damn boy toy rather than a partner. I knew there were things you dreamed of too! Why couldn’t you have let me be part of it?”

  “Because I never thought I was worthy of you.”

  The admission tore the breath from her lungs. She stared at the man across from her, the one who’d held her heart and soul with gentle hands and a sweet smile. Familiar blue eyes gleamed with too many emotions and memories, and the past and present tangled up together, blurring the boundaries. He’d changed, grown into a man with his own plans, exhibiting a confidence that had never been there before. Yet her heart recognized the seeds of the man she’d fallen in love with. “Why would you ever say that? Think that? Did I ever give you a reason to believe I was better than you?”

  He shook his head, his hair catching the light and turning it to spun gold. “God, no. You made me feel the opposite, but it wasn’t about you. Don’t you remember how it was? I’d graduated from college with a half-assed degree I wasn’t even going to use. You were already setting the world on fire. You got hired by the law firm, graduated with a business degree, and were making real changes with animal rescues.” His gaze sparked with intensity. “You exhibited a fire and passion I’d never experienced before. You believed you could change the world, and I knew you
could. Yet here I was, tagging behind you, trying to pretend I knew what I was doing.”

  Her jaw dropped. Why was he twisting the past to suit his vision? “You were just as involved! You worked at the Bishop farm, signed up for an internship at Pets Alive, and decided to go back to school for your master’s.”

  “Sure, because I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.” He leaned in, frustration flickering from his figure. “Because that’s what you suggested I do.”

  “Are you blaming me for your insecurities?”

  “No, not even close. I’m trying to explain how it was. I was twenty-two and had spent half my college days fucking around. My grandfather had been the only one left to believe I’d make my mark one day, and I lost him. I never showed him proof I’d ever succeed. My father left long ago, and it’s not a damn excuse, but I struggled to figure out if it’d been something I did to make him leave.”

  “You never told me you felt like that,” she murmured, flashing back to those brief instances she’d asked about his dad, and he’d shut down with a lopsided smile. He’d hidden that part of himself. The hurt that sliced through her was ridiculous. Yes, she’d told him everything, but maybe she’d been completely wrong about the relationship she believed they’d had.

  “I wasn’t even sure what I felt, babe.” The familiar endearment scorched her ears, but she didn’t tell him to stop. “Losing my grandfather messed me up a bit. I wanted to be so much better for him, for you, for myself. The only path that made sense was to give myself the time and space to grow into what I always wanted. A man to stand as your partner.”

  “You were always that to me. I just wish you would have told me this stuff instead of shutting down. Making me believe you didn’t love me the way I loved you.”

  He’d never once confessed he felt intimidated by her. Suddenly, shame filled her, along with doubt. Was this what men thought of her? Was she so independent that she pushed everyone away, making them feel unworthy? Had she bullied him into leading a life she wanted instead of allowing him to choose? Had losing her mother so young twisted her into a woman who’d never be able to need a man the way they craved?